How to survive Dude Fest as a dudette

By Jessica Blumensheid
Published: June 26th, 2008 | 3:29pm

Dude Fest totally stunk. The stench that permeated Indianapolis’ archaic Emerson Theater was a culminated fermentation of hot body sweat, pee-and-vomit–infested bathroom stalls, foul farts, and 200-plus unshowered, crammed bodies.

But despite the fact that after only two sets I was already contaminated by my grimy neighbors’ ranking smell, I drove 200 miles from Chicago to attend my third year at the metal festival for a good reason: I love metal. Without question, my obsession with the genre compelled me to pack into the venue with loads of primarily men for three days to rock out to headlining bands Torche, Insect Warfare, Despise You, Pig Destroyer, and Kylesa. Even if I left the fest with only two records, a headache, and a suitcase filled with soiled clothing — which is still radiating imaginary green stink rays — my smile and hoarse voice speak my content.

Just like the past five fests, this year’s Dude Fest certainly lived up to its name, inviting metal heads from all corners of the country to do manly things in manly fashions. But while Dude Fest’s testosterone nuance barked blatantly loud, the female force growled fiercely — and I noticed more female attendees this year than last. Likewise, Despise You, Howl, and Kylesa were the festival’s only bands with female members, but their prominent stance in the metal underground revved up the Dude Fest flock into raging pits.

Like other small, indoor metal fests — like Midwest Fuck Fest, This Is For You Fest, and Robot Mosh Fest — Dude Fest attracts more than enough gnarly men. But that doesn’t mean a lady’s spot is the back wall. When attending any male-dominated metal carnival, a dudette should hold her ground. Sporting a metal claw, pounding a thrashing fist, and exercising a fierce stage dive is what it’s all about. Here are some ways metal ladies can employ their keen femininity to survive Dude Fest:

BRING THE ESSENTIALS
When you’re crowded among burly, sweaty men in a venue with pieces of torn boxers, gum, and blood splattering the floor, it’s best to leave your designer purses at home. In exchange, bring a backpack stocked with water bottles, hair ties, and earplugs. Be prepared to be smashed into and get your toes crushed, so wear a comfortable pair of sneakers.

BRAVE THE BATHROOMS
While I enjoy reading graffitied bathroom walls, I never overstay my welcome in neglected latrines without the must-haves. Never underestimate the luxury of bringing a roll of your own toilet paper, tampons, and hand sanitizer — three things sparse at Dude Fest. When it comes to approaching said latrines, always expect the worst. I recommend diving into the dark lagoons with a pinched nose. If the bathroom is truly unbearable, with vomit-caked walls or overflowing toilets, it’s best to hold it and retreat to a nearby public facility.

BRING GOOD SCENTS TO HELP OUT STINKY PITS
This inevitable quest is the most frequent obstacle I encountered at Dude Fest. If I ever hosted a metal fest, Secret would be my number one sponsor, handing out miniature sticks to every attendee. But until that’s standard for Dude Fest, bring a bottle of floral spray, incense, or perfume to share. During my free time, I scouted out one of the smelliest individuals, a dude named Fiz Firefly. I made sure his pits caught whiff of my Sweet Pea body splash before he could contaminate the venue any further. One man down, a couple hundred more to go.

BE CREATIVE TO FIND THE BEST SPOT TO WATCH BANDS
When you’re 5-foot-5 like me, finding higher ground is necessary when your favorite band takes the stage. Too many times have I stood middle ground, thinking I found the perfect spot. Then the tallest and largest man conveniently parks himself right in front of me. Standing on chairs, climbing high ledges, or sneaking onto side stages worked best for viewing pleasure at Dude Fest.

STICK WITH THE LADIES
Collaborating with like-minded individuals is always a good idea for female attendees at Dude Fest. I mastered this task by rallying together a handful of lady metal heads to stick with throughout the weekend. By doing this, you never know who you’ll run into. Fortunately, my little girl gang even included the lady guitarist from Howl and Michelle Ferraro of Black Market Activities.

WHAT’S BEST TO EAT
Preserving your energy is crucial. Finding some downtime to snack is best while waiting for the next band to perform, but where and what to eat is another obstacle. It didn’t take me long to know I was stuck. Hardee’s and McDonalds were the only corner food outlets near the theater. So be prepared and bring healthy treats if you don’t want to survive on French fries and greasy burgers — even if that means sneaking them into the venue under your shirt, pants, or backpack. A banana, bag of assorted nuts, sandwich, and granola bar worked best for me.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY LIKE THE DUDES
I have a new love for stage diving. This mildly dangerous activity is fun and easy, but be cautious. Thanks to the dudes in Chicago’s five-piece Hewhocorrupts, I partook in their wild performance by running and diving off the 5-foot stage, twice. Make sure you’re not leaping into empty pockets here and there, but a crowd full of heads. This is an easy way to avoid diving headfirst into a cement floor. But if those whose fierce dives result in rough demise, be proud of your black-and-blue battle wounds. This year’s Dude Fest experienced a series of metal heads with broken ankles, busted knees, and swollen limbs. Each continued to rock out despite their physical disadvantages.

KEEP OCCUPIED WHILE YOU WAIT
When you’re not stage diving or head banging, engage in an activity to keep you busy. Find a comfy corner in the venue that’s not infested by cobwebs or pick a spot in your car to take a nap, stock up on snacks, knit, or draw. If your feet don’t mind, take a walk and see what random sideshows are outside the venue. This year, some ladies even went fearless enough to strip down to their underwear and get slick on a Slip ‘n’ Slide.

MAKE NEW FRIENDS
Unlike Lollapalooza, Coachella, and Bonnaroo, Dude Fest is small and independent, which means many of the musicians will stand right next to you in the crowd like any other metal head. Fans often forget that underground artists are real people, too, so I encourage you to introduce yourself to respected individuals of the metal community. What began as a simple “hello” for me sprung into a late-night hangout with members from California’s Ghost Limb and Graf Orlock.